ugh!

Ugh! fell once again.

oh God.

Daily bread

Oh I forgot to add:
I was doing my devotions/Bible reading while I was at McD's and what God spoke through His word was on treating His sacrifice and His offering lightly.(I Samuel 1:29'Why do you kick at My sacrifice and My offering which I have commanded in My dwelling place, and honour your sons more than Me, to make yourselves fat with the best of all the offerings of Israel My people?'). 

My time, my body is my sacrifice to Him which He commands(Romans 12:1-2) and I am His dwelling (Romans 6). I learnt not to honour 'my sons', i.e., anything else more than God. He deserves my first fruits, the best of everything I can give and that's what the Holy Spirit convicted me of tonight.

Day wasted.

Today, I did nothing. Honestly, nothing. Woke up at 10:30, watched Night at the Museum while I had corn flakes and then surfed a bit. Watched American Reunion(oops), surfed a bit, and then saw Night at the Museum 2.

The second part was a bit of a disappointment. What I did like was Amy Adams acting.
Anyway, from the time I woke up, I wanted to spend my time with God, but ugh! couldnt get myself to.
I just love rom-coms. They're such an escape for me. I partly wish if life was that easy/perfect/stress-free. Especially Night at the Museum 2; felt this deep need for companionship. Probably I should have been praying..

Sigh, I'm a total mess. If it weren't for God, dare think what would have become of me. Even now, I just wish, I just wish sometimes that I could do what I want to, what everyone does, but then I can't. I am crucified with Christ and I no longer live. I guess that means I have to sacrifice my selfish desires. Oh God help me.

Then, I had practice for this fundraiser. went well. There, while the others were practicing this particular song, I was reading this book : "One thing you can't do in Heaven". It was about evangelizing and how he(the author) had the heart to. One of his 'secrets' was that he didn't do it with mentality that he 'had' to do it, he did it with the mentality that he 'got' to do it. Similarly, applying it to prayer, bible reading, etc. I guess that's a lesson for me.

Returned home after that and because I was a bit hungry, went off for a late night snack to Pita Land to have some Arabic appetizers (https://twitter.com/hansiefer/status/208031325888847872/photo/1). Then had coffee and muffins- bad idea. Still awake and its 1, because of that.

While I was returning home, met two Russian(I guess) couples. One husband was petting his stomach; drunk probably. While I crossed him, he called me and asked if there were any casinos in Toronto. I was like no, but they have them at Niagara Falls. He then bid me on my way.

And now I;m home. 2 am and I've unsuccessfully tried to sleep early once again. Dear God, how do I obey you and get up early? :/

Hansie, you've got lots to do.

Adios.

Explore.

Walked from Uni to home. My soles are sore. 

It started off with me wandering east of St. George Station and then once I passed Bloor with a shawarma in my hand, that idea struck my mind. Took like 2.5 hours but it was a nice experience, i guess...

Today morning was just great. I woke up with this awe, sensing God's presence; guess an overflow from last night's global day of prayer. 

While having a shower, I suddenly started interceding and crying out for this generation with the water pouring on my back. It was just amazing.

Earlier, God spoke to me through I Samuel 1 where the Lord closes Hannah's womb. She had to go through that scorn and ridicule while remaining faithful to God. She then finally cried out in anguish and bitterness and then received her blessing.
I learnt that lack of success doesn't mean lack of God's favor. God was building up in Hannah this seed, this thing that would make her cry out to God. Psalms 125:5 - THose who sow in tears shall reap in joy!

Besides, she went every year to the house of the Lord; she kept on persisting. ANother important lesson.

Just hope today wasn't just a temporarily high and that I would continue to soar. NEED to get to that place and beyond I once was.

God help me.

Tired, but happy

Today's one of those days where even though you're really tired, you feel happy. Most probably because I was at church the whole day. literally.well, except for the 1 hour I went home. 

So, I slept at 2:30 yesterday and tried getting up at 7:30 but failed horribly. So badly wanted to get up and pray early because God's reminding me again and again that if I have to go forward, I need to obey, and yes, He's asked me to get up early and pray which would mean 'sacrificing' using the computer and forcing myself to sleep. Anyway, I snoozed the alarm right from 7:30 to 8:30 and then it was too late to pray because I had to leave for choir practice.

The service was great; the worship set was excellent and the word that was spoken today was on 'Continuation' and shifting of the mind to acting on what God has spoken; Really what I needed.

After the service, had another practice for the Global day of prayer in the evening. Oh boy, I was soo hungry then. The only thing that was there to eat were chips. Returned home at 3 and played some FIFA12 :D

Went again to church at 4 to set-up for the prayer. Had to carry the instruments and all downstairs; my back hurt when I did that. My mom would say that I didn't have enough of milk. She always says that if ANYTHING hurts LOL.

The prayer was just great! Went deeeep and enjoyed playing. Although, my legs were killiing me! Ugh! My right calf hurts bad :/ But it was worth it :)

Yes, it was worth it. I was walking home, I was just singing and filled with joy; after a long time. However, I couldn't help feeling despondent owing to the fact that I had to return to my apartment. It's just this random feelings of loneliness that I hate! 

I was hoping that I could hang out with someone. Unfortunately, I don't have that many friends here. I miss Dubai a wee little bit. 

Oh! I just remembered! At the prayer meeting, after we had interceded and prayed for Canada, this lovely old lady shouts up and asks Pastor Sheela if we could sing Oh Canada. Gosh! It was pretty awkward because we just finished a 'warfare prayer' for Canada and just in that mood to sing a deep song or something and here she asks to sing the national anthem. She did validate it by saying that it had "God keep our land..". So after half a minute of awkward silence not knowing what to do, Pastor Sheela decided that we would sing it. Good decision. First time I had heard a rendering of the Canadian national anthem. Also, someone broke into prophetic tongues after the anthem; so I'm guessing it really did impact some people.

Really really hungry now. Food's getting cold in the microwave oven. Decided not to move until I finish writing today!

I'm off.

God Bless.

Family

Today was an average day. Was/am at my fam. friend's house.
Passed a lot of gas today - having too much curries, i guess :/ Gah, I'm disgusting.

Well, I just started a dream e-journal today! Spurred on by this really touching dream I had today. It's still a bit fresh on my mind.


Meanwhile, my dad and my brothers are going to be in TO tomorrow! Not overly excited, surprisingly. Of course, I am delighted to see my fam. in ages. Just want to hug them!!!!! I no longer have to say alone and dread going home after everything is done every time.
Well, it brings many constraints too.

Numero uno : I will NOT be allowed to come home late. Maybe, that would change since I've turned eighteen while I was here. Not that much of a biggie though because my Dad trusts me. He definitely would n't object if I informed him.

Numero dos : My parents are pastors, and with my mom coming over in a few months for good, too, they've pretty much decided to continue the ministry they had been given in Dubai (of course). That would most probably mean me discontinuing attending some of the services of the church I attend currently and honestly, I don't really want to do that. I guess I've just grown attached and all.
I was just asking God for direction regarding this matter the entire week. Surprisingly, I'm so burdened down by this matter. :/


Further, staying alone had its benefits. I grew spiritually just great. Yes, I did have times where I fell and could be avoided if there were people in the house, but still, the same way, the avenue to grow spiritually was more too. Thinking of it, it's stupid. What am I going to do hen I'm married and I have kids and a job(maybe)? I would have to grow even then.
Guess I'll just have to find a way and trust that God will lead me.

Today's my last day of 'freedom'. Got things lined up to do. No 'me' time :( Well, good to keep myself busy.

Tired now.

Goodnight.

Pressing on and overcoming

Today was a great day!


Starting with today's service in the morning :


The word was just what I needed. Just the night before, I fell into sexual sin. It was so bad. Although I felt it just sucked me all of a sudden, I could see myself falling slowly by slowly since the afternoon. Just through these months of falling and getting back again, I've started to learn what to stay away from and when to detect and what not to do. I just hate sin. I HATE it with all my heart, except for that short time I'm pleasuring myself; I think even then. Well, after I fell, I just was helpless. Hate how it feels when you've been succumbed to your weakness. I think it all boils down to not spending time at the feet of God. I think it's 'just a season' but then I feel that's an excuse I use. I then thought it would be a good time to read the Bible. 
Chanced upon Philippians 3 and it was such an encouragement : 


v2 -  ..put no confidence in the flesh.. I will trust my flesh's 'ability' to resist temptation no longer. I can only go so far and then fail miserably.
v10 - ..I want to know Christ-yes the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings.. I want to come to this level; where I consider all things a loss compared to the excellence of Jesus Christ. God, I so need you to intervene.
v12 -Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.  I will press on.  Christ Jesus took hold of life in abundance for me and i WILL press on.
v13-..Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead.. I will press on, strain forward and not be hindered by what I have fallen to. I will go forward to what is ahead.

That was what God spoke to me through His word yesterday night, after which, I asked God that He would speak to me through the word from the pastor and as sure as His goodness, He did :) :

Pastor Sheela spoke about how in and through the valleys of life, in pain, shortcomings and weaknesses, God can make a door of hope and can turn the situation around. Not only that, but he seeks to make that valley where you passed through, a spring of life (Isaiah 41:18) and from people who are not loved, desired, or fruitful, to people who are (Hosea 2:15,21-23). Wow, that was what I needed; hope I follow-up throughout the week what was preached.

In the evening, I went with a few friends to this dam not far from here. Played some soccer there and then all the way south to Brimley Beach. I, on the insistence of my friends, climbed this hill (well, a sea bluff). It was the first time I scaled anything. Yes, ANYTHING. Oh my God, that was the last time I tried that. Till about 3/5th of the bluff, it wasn't really anything testing. After that, it started getting steeper and there were less rocks to get a hold on and more loose limestone. If it wasn't for Jey pushing and instructing me at every step behind, today, very much, could have been my last day. Well, I did survive, after many rests on the way to the summit and my shorts and v-neck full of dust. Here are some photos after climbing it :

All in all, it was a great day. Learnt good things, overcame my fear of heights by climbing up the hill(well, not completely yet) and had some delicious Chinese food for dinner. Check.

I will press on.

Peace.

Time goes on...

Wow. I haven't blogged in weeks. I totally blame it on the fact that every time I set out to blog away, I find something else interesting to do. Fortunately/unfortunately, I'm totally bored now, so it's time to blog.

For some people, it's an escape, for me, blogging is just so that I can look back when I'm older; I think I wrote that before.

Anyways, since the last time I wrote, my exams were done, got my results and lazed around through the weeks that followed. Totally feel like I wasted my time! It's almost three weeks since the exams were done and I've done nearly nothing I planned to do. Well, not exactly nothing. I've met friends, hung around, attended Power to Change meetings and OH! I attended this 'interview' the other day:
I saw the advert. for this job as a flyer distributor on kijiji(like seriously) and since it was paying 50 per 500 flyers distributed, I thought it would be great job until SMC starts. Like an idiot, I didn't call to check about the details of the job and went straight ahead the next day. So, I use up a token, go to the place, inform them that I'm interested and yay! they ask me to sit down at their office. The manager then asked me where I studied etc. etc and then finally asked if I was available the whole summer. BAM! She said she couldnt give me the job because I wasn't available throughout. It was so stupid! I was in there for like 2 minutes.

Luckily, I had a meeting to attend at UofT but, I didn't want to use another token - walked all the way from Davisville station to St. George st. Despite being humid, it was a great walk, probably because I had a mocha cookie crumble at Starbucks on the way.

Other than that, the only thing really interesting was James and Nana's wedding yesterday! That was great. Totally loved the cultural dances, the food, the dance floor and most importantly the couple - God Bless them!

Well, spiritually, I haven't been doing that great, honestly. Since exams began, I feel I've totally spiraled down. Just lost it somewhere. Feel a bit frustrated sometimes because I try so hard. Maybe I shouldn't try too hard. No idea what to do. However today, during family prayer at my friend's place, someone was praying this scripture : "You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies; You anoint my head with oil; My cup runs over"(psalms 23:6) Wow, did that charge me up! Through Jesus, my cup runs over and I don't have to feel empty. Through Jesus, I don't have to prove anything to God; that's just amazing!

Hope the coming week's great! My parents are coming over to TO for good; mixed feelings. More on this later!

Goodnight!